I have found myself wondering if I'm really becoming the best version of myself. Wondering if who I am right now is someone I could be happy living with for the rest of my life. I decided the answer is no, I'm not becoming my best self and I'm not happy living with myself (as I am right now) for the rest of my life.
I've had a restless sense of discontent with where I am on the journey of life. A sense that I am wasting my time, not moving forward or progressing, but just treading water-sometimes even sliding backwards. I think that has been the most disturbing realization, the idea that I am simply biding my time, having become complacent about who I am and where I am in my faith and learning and growth. Just doing my best to get through each day without real purpose and focus.I should say the past few years have been, without a doubt, the most difficult in my life. I have been faced with trials and obstacles I never dreamed of. But do any of us believe those trials we hear about in others lives would really happen to us? That we will ever be called upon to suffer in such a way that would try our very souls? I don't think I really did. I knew there would be hard times, but I don't think I really believed anything could happen that would rattle me deep down. Dramatic? Yes. Real? Yes. Difficult to face my own shortcomings and own my weaknesses in the face of these trials? Definitely.
Adversity does nothing if not force us to face what we are really made of, and require us to find our true selves. I've been disappointed in what I have found. More than anything I have realized that I want to be more than what I am. I want to become the person I hoped I was. I want to be more.... More what? More faithful, more resilient, more prayerful, more understanding, more loving, more forgiving, more steadfast, and most of all more submissive. Not submissive like a doormat you see, but more willing to accept these trials, and find the strength and faith to persevere steadfastly.
After reading that you'd think my resolution and "word" for 2012 would be More. But it's not that simple, that just didn't sit right. I realized one word and one focus just wouldn't do it for me this year, although it's worked like a charm for me for the past 5+ years. Not this year. I've changed, and my new self needs something new. Instead I've decided to simplify my focus and concentrate on the basics every day. It seems an odd concept, scale back and do less to become more. In reality I'm only refocusing, not doing less. So, I don't have a "word" and I don't have a grand plan. I'm simply on a journey to become more than what I am. And in so doing to start moving forward instead of simply treading water.
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2 comments:
First of all, your link on my blog doesn't work. If you want to fix it, . . .
This post was awesome. How I wish you were still around the corner and we could chat this out. Seriously--on the same page, just different problems.
I love your approach to this--we'll fight through this together this year, deal?
And when you coming down here?
Thanks for stopping by my blog today. As I read your post, I thought are we sisters from other misters? I too have felt some of the exact same feelings. I have felt many times, especially the past six months, that I am treding the water and just hanging on by what seems like a thread. I think that's why it was so difficult for me to choose a word without making my life to complicated.
I love your quote. I almost chose that exact one. It spoke to my heart. In 75 days our life will change. Our oldest child will be returning home from serving a mission in Portland, Oregon. I worry about the change, how "we" will adjust, how "he" will adjust and if we will all mesh agina. That quote reminds me that I need to remember we will be able do it as I take it one day, hour, and minute at a time. But most of all I need to remember that each day is a journey waiting for me.
Good luck. O, btw, we love wrestlers too.
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