empathy

  

Sometimes I think I know how others feel.  Sometimes I wish they would stop wallowing.  Sometimes I wish I could heal them.  Sometimes I deeply feel their pain.  Sometimes I scorn their pain, believing my own is so much worse.  Then something happens to make me realize I truly can not fathom the depth of pain others suffer.

I must need this lesson....often, because it seems to keep repeating itself--hard head perhaps? or hard heart?

In any case this last week I have learned empathy for those who suffer chronic pain, especially  headaches.  And I learned the hard way.  I have had the most intense pain of my life in the form of a headache.  It began last Monday, it hurt right where the pointer finger is in this picture.  I took some Motrin and hoped it would pass.  It was worse Tuesday, it began to move into my jaw.  I thought maybe I really had a bad cavity, and would need to see the dentist.  I hoped I was wrong, I really hat the dentist.  I decided to see if it would pass. After all, it was just a headache--how long could it last?

Turns out it could last a very, very long time.

The pain grew worse Wednesday, but I was busy and had lots to pack in on my day off, so I just took some Motrin and lived with it.  By this point I had upped my dosage to 6 pills, barely took the edge off the pain. Thursday dawned, and I had managed to eek out 4 hours of sleep, otherwise in too much pain. I was dizzy and my vision was blurry.  I attributed it to lack of sleep and not feeling well enough to eat much. Soft foods were the only things I could eat, chewing hurt too much.  I scrambled through the day, thankful I didn't live with this on a regular basis, and wondering when it would stop.

That night I got about 3 hours of sleep,  and when Friday dawned I was thankful it was almost the weekend.  I headed to the Orthodontist with Quinn and he checked me for symptoms of TMJ, didn't seem like that was the case.  Back home and ready to work, I could barely open my mouth enough to talk and wondered how I would make it though 8 hours on the phones.  I counted my blessings when my boss took me off the phones and gave me paperwork to do--without my saying a word.  Tender mercy indeed.

5:30 came and I was sick with pain.  It radiated from my temples down along my lower jaw and my dental work on my upper jaw was so tender and painful.  I couldn't move my head from side to side and I decided to relax in a hot bath, having read that maybe warm water compresses would ease the pain.  It had slightly eased about 30 minutes later, then came back with a wallop as I was getting dressed.  I became nauseous and started vomiting, I started seeing spots. I sat on the bathroom floor bawling.   Jeff was gone, but I had had enough and decided I would have to go to the Doctor.  I headed to urgent care, and the doctor.

Two hours later I emerged with Jeff at my side, three bruised sites from blood draw attempts, a new understanding of what a CT scan involves, a prescription for a strong anti-inflammatory, and no answers.

Thankfully the medicine did it's job and by Saturday morning I was up and able to go to Basketball games and Wrestling meets.  With just a dull throb ever present in the background, and only in my temples.  Sunday was the same, and so is today.  I did hear back the my CT looked totally  normal, and my blood work is clean as a whistle.  Which is quite a relief, but brings me no closer to answers.  I have two  more days on the meds and then the Doctor wants me to go off of them.

I have no clue what happens if it comes back.  The dentist and ortho don't seem to thing it stems from their side of things, and because my jaw doesn't hurt at all and my temples still throb I'm inclined to agree with them. The Doctor isn't any more help though, with no history of headaches, no changes in medication, and no injuries to explain my pain.

I hope it goes away.

Soon.

Looking back at the last week I realize a few things 1-I'm really stubborn when it comes to pain.  hate the doctor, hate the dentist, and really just want it all to go away. 2-I'm no judge of the pain others endure.  I don't think I can adequately convey how exquisite the pain I was in.  I realize I have no grounds to try and judge another and the ability to cope and navigate through their own pain.  and 3-I am so thankful I've been healthy for 95% of my life.  So thankful that most of the time my body functions as it was designed to, and most of the time it does that in spite of, rather because of, the care I give it.  Finally, I don't share this because I want your sympathy, or for you to bring my a casserole.  I wrote this post for myself, to remind myself of lessons learned, and to record this experience in case it happens again.