Hard is Good

I have finally recovered enough to comment on the Sunday I had last week, December 27th that is.  My good husband and I both spoke in Sacrament Meeting, and then I taught Relief Society.  It was crazy.  Did I mention I don't speak in public ?  That the very idea of getting up in front of a crowd makes me slightly    somewhat    exceedingly nauseaus?  Well, it does.  From the moment I know I need to get up and talk I start to quiver, and I feel the knots begin to form, and they don't truly go away until it's over, and done with, and I can stop the fight to keep my insides where they belong. 

We got the call to speak in Sacrament about 3 weeks before we were to speak.  Every one of those 21 days was torture.  Why did they think we needed to agonize for that long?  I believe it was a form of payback for the grief I gave the Bishopric while I was the Primary President, there are only so many forms of acceptable payback after all, this being one of them. 

And, our topic was the Savior, something-anything about the Savior, or he says, with it being the last Sunday of the year, we could talk about goals, or resolutions, or something of that nature if we chose.  I wanted so badly to do a good job, to be a faithful servant, and deliver an acceptable offering.  I don't do this easily, I don't sit down for an hour and whip out a talk, that's just not the kind of girl I am.  No, I study, and read, and surf http://www.lds.org/ for hours.  No matter how often I prayed and studied however, I felt no guidance, no direction, no epiphany of revelation directing my words, I didn't even know what topic to focus on.  In short, I felt like a mess!

Then, with about 11 days until t-day I got a call asking if I could teach Relief Society, I said "well, I'm speaking in Sacrament Meeting, I don't think you want to listen to me for 2 hours"  She said"Oh, we would never ask you to do both.  Nevermind, I'm sure I can find someone else."  Whew, dodged that bullet.  Then came the tickle in the back of my mind that I really should have said yes, after all the lesson was on the Savior, and I'd already read the talks from October 2009's General Conference from President Uchtdorf and President Eyring, both about the Savior, while preparing for my talk.  I kept having the thought that if I taught the lesson it would be a blessing to me, but I really didn't want to listen.  It just wouldn't stop though, so I called a few days later and asked if she had found a teacher yet, "No, not yet" came the reply, and I had my answer.  I asked her to please allow me to teach, as I had felt it would truly be a blessing for me to learn more about these talks, and study them more diligently.  And she agreed.

And, it was a blessing!  I loved spending the Christmas season so absorbed in studying the life of my Savior, and so diligently seeking the companionship of the Holy Ghost and the direction of the Lord.  It was a sweet experience that I will always treasure, and under all the knots in my stomach, and the pain of knowing eventually all this preparing would lead to actuallly getting up in front of people and talking, was the amazing blessing of drawing closer to my Savior and Father in Heaven. 

So, the day came, and still that morning I was feverishly rewriting my thoughts and trying to be more articulate.  I sat on the stand and reviewed it all in my head, I had to stop, and force myself to listen to the two truly great, and well prepared, youth speakers.  Then it was my turn, and wow was it hard to keep it all together.  I stumbled, and I faltered, and nothing was as well spoken as it sounded in my head.  But I didn't throw up, and I didn't freeze, and I did manage to say what I felt my Father in Heaven wanted me to say.  And, I was done!  So I sat, and thoughts of inadequacy flooded my mind and heart, I felt a deep despair of letting down my Father in Heaven, and floundered for a few seconds as my husband began to speak.  Then the second greatest blessing of this experience happened, and I felt the spirit speak to my heart, and I knew all those negative thoughts came from the adversary, as he sought to undermine me before I taught in Relief Society.  I knew if I gave in and listened my lesson would be a total disaster, for I would not have the Spirit with me, and isn't that just what he wanted?  So I shut it all off, and focused on my husband as he bore a sincere testimony of the Savior and coming unto Christ. 

The final hymn was sung, the prayer was said, and I stood up to go and teach some more.  On the way out the door there were the usual comments and smiles, I tried to accept them kindly.  Why is it I never believe anyone is sincere when they tell me they enjoyed my talk?  I see a smirk in a smile, and hear mockery in every voice.  Another thought for another day, I suppose...Anyways, I went and taught in Relief Society.  And it was hard.  It was a first for me, and I'm thankful it's not my new calling (which is Cub Scout Committee Chair, by the way).  But, it was good for me.  Which was supposed to be the point of this whole post, Hard is Good.  Hard teaches.  Hards empowers.  Hard can uplift if we let it.  Hard makes us better, stronger, more of who we were meant to be. 

So, I ended the year doing two hard things, and I am better because of it.  I am closer to my Savior, I am more diligent in my prayers, and more aware of the Spirit.  I am stronger, I am more aware of the adversary's fight to bring us down, and I am ready to face a new year.  So, thank you for the torture, the agony, and the challenge of doing hard things.  I have faced, and I have conquered....I really think I should be good for a while, don't you?  Who do I talk to about getting on the "don't need to speak in public" list?