How We Came to Have 5

The head resident over at the Denton Sanatorium, Jen, invited us all to join with her today and share the stories of how our families came to be shaped they way they are.  It's an interesting, and intensely personal story for every family.  I love that some have 2 kids, some have 8 kids, and most seem to have the perfect size family for them. 

Our story begins earlier than most (and is it's own post-Jen I think we need another linky party, I love those stories too!)  I was 14 Jeff was 16 when we met, although we didn't date for another 2 years.  Then we started dating casually, became best friends, and he left to serve a two year mission for our Church.  We wrote frequently and off I went to BYU.  Fast forward 2 years and he came home.  We were engaged 6 weeks later and married in another 3 months.  (Don't you want to know more? I always do! Like I said, another post!)

I had never obsessed about being a mom the way some young girls do, I wasn't even entirely sure I'd ever be married, let alone have a family.  I wanted to go to UC Berkley or UCLA and become a lawyer, and just in case I didn't like that I was to major in History so I could become a College professor in my favorite subject.  When the time came I didn't even apply to UC Berkley or UCLA-just sent my testing scores to BYU and knew it was right.  Somehow that seems to be how my life goes-I plan one thing and it makes perfect sense.  Before I know it I'm on another path and it feels perfectly right, and I wonder why that wasn't my plan from the beginning.

We had planned to wait a while for children.  It didn't make sense financially, logically, or in any way, to have a baby, except we knew it was time.  We decided to stop using birth control and see how it went, and it went quickly! By our first anniversary I was very pregnant, and soon we were parents to a whopping 10 pound baby boy.  Delivery was great, labor was wonderful (thanks to my college roommate Lissy who drove me to the hospital while Jeff was at work!)

Kiefer was so much fun, and I loved being home with him. We definitely planned to have more kids, eventually. We wanted our kids close in age so they could be friends, and have great memories of growing up together, and we wanted to have them while we were young, Jeff was firm that he did not want to be 35 and still having babies.  He wanted to be done by the time we were 30.  We thought 2-3 years between kids would be perfect timing.  When my college roommate Amy left on a mission for our church she warned me that I better not have another one by the time she got back in 18 months, I laughed and said "no way-don't worry!"  

So I was shocked when Kiefer was 8 months old to realize I was pregnant-that wasn't supposed to happen when you used birth control I thought!  And yes, we wanted close-but 16 months close?!?   It was a shock, but then we were so happy to add to our family.  Because of the size of Kiefer and Jeff's work schedule the doctor suggested we induce one week early-hoping for a smaller baby.  Quinn was smaller-only 9 pounds!  Those first months were so hard, I didn't know if I'd survive with my sanity intact.  Remember we were moving all the time-every 3-6 months at least (see my previous post), so we had no family or friends to help.  It made us pull together, and become a very close little family.  By the time Quinn was 1 year old I felt I had it under control, and knew what I was doing. Finally!  

We knew we wanted to add to our family, but with these first two so close I wanted to wait a while and regain our balance before adding another baby. When Quinn was 2 we'd try again we thought.  Well, when he was 14 months old I realized I was already pregnant.  Wow! Again the shock, but the joy as well.  Why not have 3 close together, and then have a space before we had more, I thought?  It was all good.  Since we had moved this was another new doctor, and he was concerned about the size of my babies and wanted to induce 2 weeks early to try and avoid another whopper.  So we did, and Tate was 10 lb 3 oz!  

Several moves and months later found us in New York.  We were going to buy an old house and rehab it.  I was excited about the prospect of turning a dingy old house into our home, and we agreed we should wait to get pregnant until all the painting and climbing were done so we wouldn't endanger the baby.  Yep, you guessed it-we found out we were expecting again, and by this time we had thought for sure we had the birth control thing down pat!  Circumstances rapidly changed, and we found ourselves moving cross country-again.  Thane was born in Utah, under the care of a 4th new Dr. and again he was concerned about the sized of my previous babies and wanted to induce early.

So, two weeks early we headed to the hospital.  This delivery wasn't so easy though, the Dr. had an office adjoining the hospital and was seeing patients while I was in labor.  He came over to break my water and didn't believe me when I said I would give birth *very* soon after he did this.  He went back to his office, the nurse came in about 10 minutes later and the baby was crowning.  I hadn't even pushed, but the nurse yelled at us to stop the delivery (like we could?) and called the Dr. to come immediately. Jeff made me laugh and the baby started arriving, the nurse didn't want to deliver alone so she held the head in place to stop delivery.  After a short time we all heard a loud crack and the nurse said to us, "that was either the baby's collarbone, or your tail bone" she said.  The Dr. arrived, and so did Thane, all 10 lb. 3 oz of him! Exactly the same as his brother.  His collarbone was fine, and we realized as soon as the medication wore off that indeed, my tailbone had been broken by the pressure of that 10 pound baby struggling to be born and the nurse not allowing it.  

We now had 4 boys, ages 5, 4, 2 & the baby.  I was busy! We moved again, and finally felt settled in.  Jeff asked if I thought we were done, and I told him I thought there was 1 more baby for our family-he looked at me and said "when that baby comes are you going to say there's 1 more?"  I laughed and so did he, and we decided to shelve the question and see how we felt down the road.  

When Thane was about 1 year old we talked again, and this time both of us felt like we were missing someone. Our family just wasn't complete, but we didn't feel the timing was right to try again, so we thought maybe when Thane was 2.  That way we'd have the baby when Jeff was 30 (his deadline, remember?) and I'd have some time to regroup and get my self together.  All the moving and life with 4 very little boys was hard on me emotionally and mentally.  

About 6 months earlier than we had thought to begin trying we found out I was pregnant.  I fell apart.  I remember laying on the bed that night just sobbing, I can't do it I said.  Our oldest was only 6 and I was pregnant with baby #5?  It was all I could do to function and be a good mom now, how would I add one more baby?  I cried and cried, and Jeff just held me and told me all the things I needed to hear.  We knelt in prayer together, and he asked the Lord to help us know this was His plan for us, and to give me the comfort and the strength I needed to do was ahead of us.  It took a while, but I came to know this was the right timing, and the right thing for our family.

It was a good thing I had that assurance to fall back on, because this was a very hard pregnancy on me physically.  You see, when that nurse held Thane's head in place not only did my tailbone break, serious nerve damage was done as well.  It didn't really manifest until into my 2nd trimester with this baby, but the Dr (another new one-our 5th OB in 5 kids!) asked me all the right questions and we were able to trace my problems and severe pain to Thane's delivery.  He was familiar with this type of damage because his wife had suffered the same thing in the delivery of their 5th child.  She went on to have 3 more children, and the pain was worse every time.  In fact it had progressed to the point of constant pain, pregnant or not, and she was scheduled to have her nerve endings severed that very week as a last resort.  

The Dr asked if we planned on having more children, I told him I wasn't completely sure.  He told me he was a Catholic and knew I was a member of the LDS church, and one thing our two faiths had in common was large families and a belief in God guiding us in our families.  He also told me that while he knew this was true he also knew personally of the pain his wife had gone through, and how incredibly difficult her life had become.  He witnessed first hand how hard it was on her not to be able to be the kind of mother she wanted to be because of the pain she was in.  He said he felt he needed to tell me that I could go on to have other children, there was nothing stopping me, but if I did I would look back at the pain I was in during this pregnancy and wish I could feel that little pain again.  He told me the pain would increase astronomically with each pregnancy and soon enough it would become a part of every day life.  Whether I could have 1 or 2 or even 3 more pregnancies before that happened no one could tell me.  He recommended my husband and I talk about it and pray for guidance, and that his medical advice was to not have any more children.

That was hard to hear, because as much as I had felt like we just needed 1 more I was only 28 and not quite ready to put a big red X on the possibilities of more babies if I wanted them.  I went home and cried, and that night Jeff and I talked, and talked.  As soon as he heard what the Dr. had said his mind was clear-no more babies, end of story!  He hated seeing me in pain, and couldn't imagine that pain getting worse and worse.  We had 4 (soon to be 5) healthy babies, and really I knew that was enough-right?  The conversations continued, and he tried to reason with me.  We prayed together and separately, and I struggled.  While I was pregnant with our daughter I fell and broke my tailbone again, and got a small taste of what future pregnancies would feel like.  I believe that was a blessing from the Lord warning me.  It was excruciatingly painful, I could barely function, often I would call Jeff and tell  him he was on  his own for dinner for him & the kids.  As soon as he walked in the door I headed upstairs.  The only thing that relieved the pain was a warm bath, and some nights I would stay for 4 hours in that big bathtub!

I think I knew in my heart we were done, but I didn't like the way the ending came.  I didn't want the Dr. to tell me to stop.  I didn't want anyone to tell me to stop-not even the Lord.  I wanted to decide that for myself.  It was really hard to overcome that stubborn pride of mine and find peace in the decision my head and heart kept telling me to make.  

I don't know if I would have done it without the personal story of my Dr and his experience with his wife.  When I picked a Dr I thought it was random, I came to see it as a blessing.  Enough of a blessing that even when he refused to induce labor & let me go 2 weeks over my due date I still didn't hate him.  Even when Sage was born, as the Dr's associate came running through the door, slid her hand into a gown and glove and caught her as she came out (without even 1 push) I didn't curse him.  Even when they weighed that sweet little baby and announced she weighed 12 lb 5 oz and was 24 1/2 inches long I didn't hate him.  And when his associate turned and asked if I wanted to slap him for letting me go that long I just laughed.  His experience was a gift, and I can be the mom I want to be today-in part at least-because of what he shared with me. 

Was this the path I had plotted and planned and made lists for?  No, not at all.  But as I look back I can see how perfectly timed each birth was, considering all the moves and changes in insurance and periods of uncertainty.  It's amazing that we had good health coverage for every birth, that no moves took place while I was extremely pregnant, and that we were able to have all of our children here with us before my mom passed away.  I treasure the pictures of her holding my daughter.  She always wanted me to have a daughter, and it was such a blessing for her to celebrate that with me, and for me to see them together.  

This journey down memory lane was fun, and a good opportunity to examine our family's past and recognize how intimately the Lord knows each one of us, and our circumstances.  If we are willing to put aside our own plans and our own pride we will find that somehow we ended up on just the right path, and life's even better than what we had planned!